He lied to me, I lied to myself.

I had been living a lie for so long. I regularly told myself that my boyfriend’s behavior was normal. I made excuses for him and wore rose colored glasses every day of my life.

In fact, I told myself several lies. It was normal for us to fight every single day. It was normal for him to leave town on drinking binges. It was normal for him to judge me and snap every time I did something not to his liking. He played mind games and frequently lied to me.

I was the nurturer- a learned behavior, I realized. My mother was an alcoholic. My boyfriend’s behavior was irrational- just like hers.
My friends and family told me he was a troubled individual. They all saw the warning signs. I noticed he behaved strangely but never wanted to admit it. He just needed someone to fix him. I thought I could fix all his pain, if I just did everything right.

Our relationship was a disaster. He was never there for me emotionally. Instead, he broke down and destroyed my spirit. I became as messed up as he was. Still, I thought of creative ways to salvage our broken relationship. I hoped the games would eventually stop and one day he would wake up and be different.

I adopted a “love never fails” philosophy and began to regularly tolerate unacceptable behavior. I sought help and everyone would say, “Just leave him,” but I didn’t know how. He was manipulative and did a great job of concealing it. I also knew that if things were going to change, I needed help.

My friend recommended and Al-Anon meeting. I read the literature. Step One said, “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.” I realized for the first time in my entire life that I couldn’t control or change a person no matter how hard I tried.

Al-Anon was the beginning of my spiritual awakening and the meetings taught me that living with an alcoholic is too stressful to do alone. I also learned that I had to “Let Go and Let God” but not so much that I lost myself in the process.

I learned to set limits and learned to love without trying to control. Al-Anon is the meeting I look forward to because it is the beginning of a life change. It is where I take the first step of learning to self nurture and truly begin to heal.

By Anna D.
The Forum, March 2010